Been meandering through life this past week – I'd better cherish this moment so that I can look back on it with fondness when shit hits the fan during the school semester. Sometimes it's just fucking awesome to just lay back with absolutely nothing going on in your life. But not too much lest I disintegrate into some blubber-wrapped blob.

Anyway, caught Terminator: Genisys with Aaron the other day and what a letdown it was. The plot sucked, the chemistry between the actors were practically nonexistent and they tried too hard to stick to the 'classic' Terminator gags but failed. Only saving grace was seeing the CGI remake of Arnold circa 1984 which made men feel inadequate and caused the ladies to quake in their seats. Emilia Clarke tried too hard to be gung-ho/ badass but you can never blame Daenerys for a bad show because she's hot and so nuff' said.

The only reason why we watched Terminator was that Aaron and I have watched Terminator 1-4 since we were little obnoxious deluded Secondary school students who thought we ruled the world back then so it was for nostalgia's sake. So even if the sequels suck, we'd still watch it.  After all, change seems to be the only constant in our lives, and I'd give my manhood up just for any experience that gives me an inkling into my past. Why is it that when we grow older we want to be young again. Damn sian.

Been reading my blog archives for the past few minutes and I realised I was such an obnoxious little brat. It's a wonder my parents didn't disown me, send me to Boy's Home or incinerate me. If I could meet my 13 year old self now, I would just DDT suplex clothesline from hell RKO stunner rockbottom his/my ass into the ground until I cease to exist.

An example of an excerpt taken from brilliant 13 year old me.

'lol and umm the butterfly shit?i folded 3 when im supposed to fold 20 b4 i can go home.and the CT teacher!HAHAHAHAHAH saw her panties.hahaha so gayish and noob.colourful.who ask her to cross her leg so big?.inexperienced bitch.haizz

i koped james food yesterdae while he was being a servant to his gf.haiz..noobness can't complain.
poured sprite into james noodles.added a bowl of chili as well..and the unsuspecting dick ate it ..hopes he gets diahorrea todae.hooray'

Hahaha fucking ridiculous. How much worse could I possibly have gotten LOL. The only excuse I can give that is barely justifiable is that I was merely being a young and confused teenager trying to find my way into the world. But come to think of it other 13 year olds don't call women who can't cross their legs properly an 'inexperienced bitch'. So maybe I was just messed up.

But it makes for an entertaining read at 2 in the morning. I'm really starting to value this blog that's been around for almost 11 years. Things come and go but the posts in this blog will always be the one constant I have in my life. I hope blogger never shuts down or I better find hard drive and save all these posts knn. Despite all that's happened in the past 10 years, for better or for worse, those were good times – no matter how some situations might have been perceived as bleak at that point in time – and I wouldn't trade any moment for the world. Not even if I can become Maharaja of the universe.

Makes me realised how much the world around me has changed, how my perceptions have changed and how much I have changed.

 For the better or worse? TBH I have no fucking clue. The latter, maybe.

Night. When the roads are devoid of cars, when the windows all around your block are shut, when the air is still and calm, when the noises of the day are nothing but a mere memory in your head, when you know your phone will probably not ring during this time, when you know no one will come knocking on your door, when you know you're probably the only one awake at this time of the night for miles around, when you know you are completely in solitude.

That's when you feel truly alive. 

Revived

Been a tough couple of days since I came back home – mainly due to the passing of my Nai Nai.

At the cremation ceremony yesterday, I saw my grandpa and dad cry for the first time in my life.   Although numbness washed over me as I watched my grandma's coffin being wheeled into the crematorium, no tears flowed from my eyes. I watched my whole family sobbing away but there I was, standing like a rock. To be honest, I felt absolutely nothing. At that point in time I was merely being slightly intrigued at the crematorium worker who was placing my grandma's coffin into the crematory. To be extremely blunt and completely inappropriate, I thought it was like shoving pizza into an oven.

Many say that the moment of watching your loved one being wheeled into the crematory will be the most emotionally intense process of the funeral. But at that moment when I was supposed to be overcome by raw emotion, emotion seemed like a alien concept to me.

It makes me wonder now if I have a heart. I was in Amsterdam for 6 months and I knew my grandma was sick for the past 3 months. But in my heart I didn't really want to come home. I was prepared to return home early because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted to. Did my grandma mean so little to me? I knew her literally all my life. I always held her hand and wished her well whenever I visited her. So during those moments, I was just doing it for the sake of it? That the fact that she was my grandma meant that I just had to do it? And as I type all these out now I suddenly come to the realisation that I don't even know if she really meant anything to me. Just feeling extremely confused about it all now when I'm reflecting about it at 4 in the morning.

Suddenly I feel like I have no heart at all. In light of everything that has happened in the past few months, coupled with this, I've seemingly lost myself in the thick of it all. Or maybe I just suddenly found out for what sort of person I really am. I don't know.

I watched my grandpa cry his heart out yesterday, and I really felt his love for my grandma in such a heartbreaking manner.  I wonder if I ever will have the opportunity to ever feel like that for another person. It's been so long since I've been in touch with my emotions. I used to be such an open person in the past, but in recent years, I've kept it all to myself. As much as I want to go back to being my old self, I can't bring myself to do it. But that will be another post for another time.

In other words, I'm trying to blog again because I want to polish up my writing skills. It took me so long to type out like 300-400 words for this post. I think it took me almost one and a half hours and I think this post sucks in terms of coherence, flow, grammar, sentence structure and whatnot. So as you guys can see I'm rusty as fuck. Hope I'll perservere because I'm a person who most of the time, gives up halfway because I'm really fucking lazy and possess an attention span that is as short as the shortest schlong. I really should change that of me.

Till then. And RIP Nai Nai.

ps: I wish to be completely open and honest about my emotions in this blog. Because I can't do this in real life. I don't know why. But I just can't.

When you love someone but it goes to waste.

Life goes on.