Revived
Been a tough couple of days since I came back home – mainly due to the passing of my Nai Nai.
At the cremation ceremony yesterday, I saw my grandpa and dad cry for the first time in my life. Although numbness washed over me as I watched my grandma's coffin being wheeled into the crematorium, no tears flowed from my eyes. I watched my whole family sobbing away but there I was, standing like a rock. To be honest, I felt absolutely nothing. At that point in time I was merely being slightly intrigued at the crematorium worker who was placing my grandma's coffin into the crematory. To be extremely blunt and completely inappropriate, I thought it was like shoving pizza into an oven.
Many say that the moment of watching your loved one being wheeled into the crematory will be the most emotionally intense process of the funeral. But at that moment when I was supposed to be overcome by raw emotion, emotion seemed like a alien concept to me.
It makes me wonder now if I have a heart. I was in Amsterdam for 6 months and I knew my grandma was sick for the past 3 months. But in my heart I didn't really want to come home. I was prepared to return home early because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted to. Did my grandma mean so little to me? I knew her literally all my life. I always held her hand and wished her well whenever I visited her. So during those moments, I was just doing it for the sake of it? That the fact that she was my grandma meant that I just had to do it? And as I type all these out now I suddenly come to the realisation that I don't even know if she really meant anything to me. Just feeling extremely confused about it all now when I'm reflecting about it at 4 in the morning.
Suddenly I feel like I have no heart at all. In light of everything that has happened in the past few months, coupled with this, I've seemingly lost myself in the thick of it all. Or maybe I just suddenly found out for what sort of person I really am. I don't know.
I watched my grandpa cry his heart out yesterday, and I really felt his love for my grandma in such a heartbreaking manner. I wonder if I ever will have the opportunity to ever feel like that for another person. It's been so long since I've been in touch with my emotions. I used to be such an open person in the past, but in recent years, I've kept it all to myself. As much as I want to go back to being my old self, I can't bring myself to do it. But that will be another post for another time.
In other words, I'm trying to blog again because I want to polish up my writing skills. It took me so long to type out like 300-400 words for this post. I think it took me almost one and a half hours and I think this post sucks in terms of coherence, flow, grammar, sentence structure and whatnot. So as you guys can see I'm rusty as fuck. Hope I'll perservere because I'm a person who most of the time, gives up halfway because I'm really fucking lazy and possess an attention span that is as short as the shortest schlong. I really should change that of me.
Till then. And RIP Nai Nai.
ps: I wish to be completely open and honest about my emotions in this blog. Because I can't do this in real life. I don't know why. But I just can't.
At the cremation ceremony yesterday, I saw my grandpa and dad cry for the first time in my life. Although numbness washed over me as I watched my grandma's coffin being wheeled into the crematorium, no tears flowed from my eyes. I watched my whole family sobbing away but there I was, standing like a rock. To be honest, I felt absolutely nothing. At that point in time I was merely being slightly intrigued at the crematorium worker who was placing my grandma's coffin into the crematory. To be extremely blunt and completely inappropriate, I thought it was like shoving pizza into an oven.
Many say that the moment of watching your loved one being wheeled into the crematory will be the most emotionally intense process of the funeral. But at that moment when I was supposed to be overcome by raw emotion, emotion seemed like a alien concept to me.
It makes me wonder now if I have a heart. I was in Amsterdam for 6 months and I knew my grandma was sick for the past 3 months. But in my heart I didn't really want to come home. I was prepared to return home early because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted to. Did my grandma mean so little to me? I knew her literally all my life. I always held her hand and wished her well whenever I visited her. So during those moments, I was just doing it for the sake of it? That the fact that she was my grandma meant that I just had to do it? And as I type all these out now I suddenly come to the realisation that I don't even know if she really meant anything to me. Just feeling extremely confused about it all now when I'm reflecting about it at 4 in the morning.
Suddenly I feel like I have no heart at all. In light of everything that has happened in the past few months, coupled with this, I've seemingly lost myself in the thick of it all. Or maybe I just suddenly found out for what sort of person I really am. I don't know.
I watched my grandpa cry his heart out yesterday, and I really felt his love for my grandma in such a heartbreaking manner. I wonder if I ever will have the opportunity to ever feel like that for another person. It's been so long since I've been in touch with my emotions. I used to be such an open person in the past, but in recent years, I've kept it all to myself. As much as I want to go back to being my old self, I can't bring myself to do it. But that will be another post for another time.
In other words, I'm trying to blog again because I want to polish up my writing skills. It took me so long to type out like 300-400 words for this post. I think it took me almost one and a half hours and I think this post sucks in terms of coherence, flow, grammar, sentence structure and whatnot. So as you guys can see I'm rusty as fuck. Hope I'll perservere because I'm a person who most of the time, gives up halfway because I'm really fucking lazy and possess an attention span that is as short as the shortest schlong. I really should change that of me.
Till then. And RIP Nai Nai.
ps: I wish to be completely open and honest about my emotions in this blog. Because I can't do this in real life. I don't know why. But I just can't.
posted by Justin Kor @ 4:47 AM
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